If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you humbly—and thoroughly—admit your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A’s of Confession:
Address everyone involved.
Real confession begins by admitting your sin to everyone directly impacted by it.
Since every wrongdoing offends God, start your confession with him. Whether or not you admit a sin to other people depends on whether it was a ‘heart sin’ or a ‘social sin.” A heart sin takes place only in your thoughts and doesn’t directly affect others, so it only needs to be confessed to God. A social sin involves other people. Confess those wrongs to anyone affected—a single individual or a group, and people you hurt or who just witnessed your wrongdoing. The general rule? Your confession should reach as far as your offense. Suppose you were really angry with your spouse, and your kids were in the car and heard your angry outburst. You need to confess to your spouse, but you also need to talk to the kids.
Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe.”
It’s really difficult to find a confession that doesn’t use ‘if,” “but,” or “maybe.”
It’s so hard to give an unqualified apology. The quickest way to wreck a confession is by using words that shift the blame to others or minimize or excuse your guilt. The classic bad confession is, “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to make you mad.” The word “if” ruins the confession, because it implies that you don’t know whether you did something wrong. It sounds like you just want someone off your back.
Admit specifically.
The more detail you provide when you confess, the more likely you are to get a positive reaction.
Specific admissions help convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done, a signal that makes it far easier to forgive you. Not only that, but being specific helps you identify the actions, words, or attitudes you need to change.
Acknowledge the hurt.
If you want someone to respond positively to your confession, make it a point to acknowledge to him/her the hurt you caused.
Aim to show that you understand how the other person felt as a result of our words or actions. “You must have felt really embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone. I’m so sorry I did that to you.” If you aren’t sure how the other person felt, then ask. It can be dangerous to assume you know how or how much you hurt someone. You can say, “Have I understood how I’ve hurt you?”
Accept the consequences.
Accepting any penalty your actions deserve is another way to demonstrate genuine repentance.
You might have to correct a piece of gossip you passed on. Or you might have to work extra to pay for damages you caused to someone’s property. The harder you work to make restitution and repair any harm you have caused, the easier it is for others to trust your confession.
Alter your behavior.
You don’t really mean that you are sorry if you don’t commit to not repeating the sin.
Sincere repentance includes explaining to the person you offended how you plan to change in the future by God’s grace—what you will say, how you will act, or the attitude you will convey. Be specific. Find someone to hold you accountable. Explain that you are relying on God’s help.
Sometimes it helps to put your plan in writing.
It shows you take the matter seriously and are willing to spend time planning how to change. Listing specific goals and objectives helps you remember your commitment. It provides a standard by which your progress can be measured. And your ongoing effort will continue to demonstrate your confession was genuine.
Ask for forgiveness (and allow time.)
If you talk through each of those steps with someone you have offended, many will be willing to forgive you and move on.
If the person you have confessed to doesn’t express forgiveness, however, you can ask, “Will you please forgive me?” Your question signals that you are now awaiting their move. Don’t be surprised if some people need time to forgive you. Reconciliation doesn’t always happen right away, and pressure from you won’t help.
If someone isn’t ready to forgive you, make sure you have confessed thoroughly. If you sense that the person to whom you confessed is simply not ready to forgive you, it may be helpful to say something like this: “I know I hurt you, and I can understand why it might be hard to forgive me. I want us to be okay with each other, so I hope you can forgive me. In the meantime, I will pray for you and do my best to repair the damage I caused. With God’s help, I will work to overcome my problem. If there’s anything else I can do, please let me know.”
